Roots of Renewal | 1
Sabbatical Musings by Aimee Postel
When I first broached the subject of a sabbatical, I thought of it like a necessary evil, lol! I love what I do, and the idea of not doing it for a time seemed like a steep but necessary price to pay for rejuvenation and longevity in the ministry. However, as the time for my sabbatical approached, I began to think of it more as an offering to the Lord. I had no idea what he wanted for me during that time, so I decided that I would simply offer the entire 8 weeks to him. I pictured myself giving him that time, showing up and allowing him to lead and direct me.
Certain elements of a plan began to form. My sabbatical time included our regular, yearly family vacation, which I was very much looking forward to. In addition, I registered for a silent retreat, collected book recommendations, and bought plane tickets to Dallas in order to visit the prayer room at Upper Room Church. I thought I finally had a pretty clear idea of what my sabbatical would look like.
And then, in a conversation with some of our church leaders, as Pastor Logan was talking about my upcoming sabbatical he mentioned that the Lord would do some healing in me. The next week, Chad Wichman told me that he had been praying and the Lord told him that he was going to heal me.
Both of these events stood out to me because:
On 8.27.24 I prayed,
Just a day or two before my sabbatical started, I cried in Haley’s office as I took the first step in the healing journey God had for me (more on that to come). As Haley prayed for me, she prayed the beginning of Psalm 23,
She prophetically spoke over me that God was leading me into a safe time to heal. I clung to the truth of that word in the coming days and weeks.
On the first day of the silent retreat, Jean shared with me The Welcoming Prayer by Fr. Thomas Keating. The question for me in this prayer is “How available am I to what the Lord wants to do in me?”
The Welcoming Prayer by Fr. Thomas Keating
My prayer response was,
“Here I am Lord. I’ll do whatever you want. – You have already done what I want: you showed up. It is you I want to be with, and you are here. I’ll take you just the way you are.”
As I reflect, the question for me in this prayer is “How available am I to what the Lord wants to do in me?” Jesus was encouraging me to open myself up to him and welcome whatever he brings my way,
Certain elements of a plan began to form. My sabbatical time included our regular, yearly family vacation, which I was very much looking forward to. In addition, I registered for a silent retreat, collected book recommendations, and bought plane tickets to Dallas in order to visit the prayer room at Upper Room Church. I thought I finally had a pretty clear idea of what my sabbatical would look like.
And then, in a conversation with some of our church leaders, as Pastor Logan was talking about my upcoming sabbatical he mentioned that the Lord would do some healing in me. The next week, Chad Wichman told me that he had been praying and the Lord told him that he was going to heal me.
Both of these events stood out to me because:
- Healing had not been on my radar when thinking about sabbatical. Learning, yes. Resting, yes. Scripture and prayer, yes. But I thought I was in a pretty good place in the healing department.
- I have experienced the Lord’s healing before. It is a good and beautiful thing and God is faithful and gentle, but anyone who has gone through an emotional healing process will tell you that it is not pleasant, fun or relaxing. Healing was not my idea of a sabbatical good time.
- When Chad mentioned healing, I immediately knew in my spirit which area of my heart needed healing. Since I had offered my sabbatical time to the Lord, I knew there was no getting out of what he wanted to do with me, even if that looked different than I expected.
On 8.27.24 I prayed,
“Jesus, help me to fully surrender to you. Help me to give you whatever it is you desire. Jesus, help me to be willing to engage with you in whatever way you desire and direct.”
Just a day or two before my sabbatical started, I cried in Haley’s office as I took the first step in the healing journey God had for me (more on that to come). As Haley prayed for me, she prayed the beginning of Psalm 23,
“He takes me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water.”
She prophetically spoke over me that God was leading me into a safe time to heal. I clung to the truth of that word in the coming days and weeks.
On the first day of the silent retreat, Jean shared with me The Welcoming Prayer by Fr. Thomas Keating. The question for me in this prayer is “How available am I to what the Lord wants to do in me?”
The Welcoming Prayer by Fr. Thomas Keating
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I welcome everything that comes to me today because I know it is for my healing,
I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons, situations, and conditions.
I let go of my desire for power and control.
I let go of my desire for affection, esteem, approval and pleasure.
I let go of my desire to change any situation, condition, person or myself.
I am open to the love and presence of God, and God’s action within.
Amen.
My prayer response was,
“Here I am Lord. I’ll do whatever you want. – You have already done what I want: you showed up. It is you I want to be with, and you are here. I’ll take you just the way you are.”
As I reflect, the question for me in this prayer is “How available am I to what the Lord wants to do in me?” Jesus was encouraging me to open myself up to him and welcome whatever he brings my way,
The speaker at the silent retreat reminded us that God does not impose himself on us, but rather gives us an invitation to be vulnerable with him. She challenged us with this question, “How close do you want to be with God?”
God is available, near and desires to be in close relationship with us, but he will not force himself on us. We must welcome him. The speaker also aptly said, “We share with God to indicate our own openness. We don’t give God new information.” Again, this is an invitation to vulnerability. God doesn’t need us to tell him things, rather we open ourselves up to God when we are vulnerable with him.
I was given a prayer exercise to work through identifying places in our lives where we resist being completely open and close with God. In the name of vulnerability, I will share mine with you.
Prayer Exercise - Naming our Fears and Resistances
We begin by facing and naming the resistances and fears that block our
willingness to open to God and prevent us from receiving God’s wisdom.
My journaling: Fear of change. There is some element here that needing to change indicates that it is true that I am not good enough as I am, which I know is true, yet I fear the exposure that comes with being fully open to God.
My journaling: I imagine a tall, resolute statue.
My journaling: The statue can be hard to get to know, but it weathers the storms, it withstands criticism, it stands firm in what it knows is right, and it is not easily dissuaded. It has protected me from people’s judgement and criticism, It has been my stiff shell that keeps me upright when inside I feel lacking. But.... Maybe it has also harbored a false self. Maybe it has fostered pride and self-reliance....
My journaling: I would feel more exposed, more vulnerable. Maybe I would feel insufficient. What if God doesn’t like what he sees? What if I don’t measure up to his expectations? On the positive side, maybe I would feel relief knowing I am accepted even in my lack, knowing I am supported and empowered, that I am not alone in my weakness. Maybe I would feel a nearness to God in my honesty. The reality is that he knows it all anyway and has already chosen me, accepted me and loves me. I have nothing to lose. The real, soft vulnerable weak me pulls open the hard shell of the statue from the inside and steps out from the inside of it. I am more vulnerable, but I am also more mobile, flexible, warm, compassionate, accessible and real.
Jesus, please protect me. Jesus, I am yours. You have made me, and I trust you to continue making me. You can have all of me that you want. Help me to give all of me to you.
Jesus’ response: Aimee, I appreciate your beauty. I see your trust in me, and I honor that. I will never mistreat your vulnerability. Your heart is safe with me. I know your shortcomings and I even value them as a place where we can work together. I love you and accept you. You are my beloved daughter.
5. When you complete this exercise, take a couple of deep breaths, and then slowly release them. If you have been sitting, stand up and stretch; move around. This can help you bring the experience to a close.
I learned that God was preparing a path for me, well before I traveled it. He knew that he had healing for me and put people in my life to show me that. He wanted me to draw near to himself and he gave me tools and practices to do that. He encouraged me to open up and be vulnerable with him and others. But the way he did all of this was so thoughtful, so purposeful, so gentle and so personal that I felt incredibly seen and loved even as he readied me to look at some difficult and painful places in my heart.
As we end our time together today, I would encourage you to ask yourself the question I was asked, “How close do you want to be with God?”
If you would like to work through the same prayer exercise that I did you can find it here:
Prayer Exercise - Naming our Fears and Resistances
We begin by facing and naming the resistances and fears that block our
willingness to open to God and prevent us from receiving God’s wisdom.
God is available, near and desires to be in close relationship with us, but he will not force himself on us. We must welcome him. The speaker also aptly said, “We share with God to indicate our own openness. We don’t give God new information.” Again, this is an invitation to vulnerability. God doesn’t need us to tell him things, rather we open ourselves up to God when we are vulnerable with him.
I was given a prayer exercise to work through identifying places in our lives where we resist being completely open and close with God. In the name of vulnerability, I will share mine with you.
Prayer Exercise - Naming our Fears and Resistances
We begin by facing and naming the resistances and fears that block our
willingness to open to God and prevent us from receiving God’s wisdom.
1. As you reflect, do you recognize any of your own fears and
resistances? Such as: a) fear of not being in control, b) fear of change, c) fear of trusting God? Or is there some other fear you are carrying that keeps you from moving forward with God? (if there are several fears, choose one to address.)
resistances? Such as: a) fear of not being in control, b) fear of change, c) fear of trusting God? Or is there some other fear you are carrying that keeps you from moving forward with God? (if there are several fears, choose one to address.)
My journaling: Fear of change. There is some element here that needing to change indicates that it is true that I am not good enough as I am, which I know is true, yet I fear the exposure that comes with being fully open to God.
2. Create a name or an image for the fear you are focusing on. For example, you may be dealing with the “judge,” or you decide to name your resistance something like Suspicious Sal. Perhaps you can create an image for your fear. (What does the judge look like anyway?) Maybe you imagine it as a boulder blocking your path or a large, bristling cactus that you don’t want to touch.
My journaling: I imagine a tall, resolute statue.
3. Take a good look at it. What does it look like and what do you know about where it came from? Has it been helpful to you in the past? Is there any part of it that is helpful to you in your present life?
My journaling: The statue can be hard to get to know, but it weathers the storms, it withstands criticism, it stands firm in what it knows is right, and it is not easily dissuaded. It has protected me from people’s judgement and criticism, It has been my stiff shell that keeps me upright when inside I feel lacking. But.... Maybe it has also harbored a false self. Maybe it has fostered pride and self-reliance....
4. Consider what would be different in your life if you relinquished this fear or diminished its power. What might change about your life? Imagine your fear shrinking in size (the incredible shrinking boulder) until it is the size you want it to be for now.
My journaling: I would feel more exposed, more vulnerable. Maybe I would feel insufficient. What if God doesn’t like what he sees? What if I don’t measure up to his expectations? On the positive side, maybe I would feel relief knowing I am accepted even in my lack, knowing I am supported and empowered, that I am not alone in my weakness. Maybe I would feel a nearness to God in my honesty. The reality is that he knows it all anyway and has already chosen me, accepted me and loves me. I have nothing to lose. The real, soft vulnerable weak me pulls open the hard shell of the statue from the inside and steps out from the inside of it. I am more vulnerable, but I am also more mobile, flexible, warm, compassionate, accessible and real.
Jesus, please protect me. Jesus, I am yours. You have made me, and I trust you to continue making me. You can have all of me that you want. Help me to give all of me to you.
Jesus’ response: Aimee, I appreciate your beauty. I see your trust in me, and I honor that. I will never mistreat your vulnerability. Your heart is safe with me. I know your shortcomings and I even value them as a place where we can work together. I love you and accept you. You are my beloved daughter.
— Jesus, thank you for always treating me with such gentleness. Thank you for not dismissing my fears as childish, but rather giving me the dignity of trying to express them. You are amazing.
5. When you complete this exercise, take a couple of deep breaths, and then slowly release them. If you have been sitting, stand up and stretch; move around. This can help you bring the experience to a close.
I learned that God was preparing a path for me, well before I traveled it. He knew that he had healing for me and put people in my life to show me that. He wanted me to draw near to himself and he gave me tools and practices to do that. He encouraged me to open up and be vulnerable with him and others. But the way he did all of this was so thoughtful, so purposeful, so gentle and so personal that I felt incredibly seen and loved even as he readied me to look at some difficult and painful places in my heart.
As we end our time together today, I would encourage you to ask yourself the question I was asked, “How close do you want to be with God?”
If you would like to work through the same prayer exercise that I did you can find it here:
Prayer Exercise - Naming our Fears and Resistances
We begin by facing and naming the resistances and fears that block our
willingness to open to God and prevent us from receiving God’s wisdom.
1. As you reflect, do you recognize any of your own fears and
resistances? Such as: a) fear of not being in control, b) fear of change, c) fear of trusting God? Or is there some other fear you are carrying that keeps you from moving forward with God? (if there are several fears, choose one to address.)
resistances? Such as: a) fear of not being in control, b) fear of change, c) fear of trusting God? Or is there some other fear you are carrying that keeps you from moving forward with God? (if there are several fears, choose one to address.)
2. Create a name or an image for the fear you are focusing on. For example, you may be dealing with the “judge,” or you decide to name your resistance something like Suspicious Sal. Perhaps you can create an image for your fear. (What does the judge look like anyway?) Maybe you imagine it as a boulder blocking your path or a large, bristling cactus that you don’t want to touch.
3. Take a good look at it. What does it look like and what do you know about where it came from? Has it been helpful to you in the past? Is there any part of it that is helpful to you in your present life?
4. Consider what would be different in your life if you relinquished this fear or diminished its power. What might change about your life? Imagine your fear shrinking in size (the incredible shrinking boulder) until it is the size you want it to be for now.
5. When you complete this exercise, take a couple of deep breaths, and then slowly release them. If you have been sitting, stand up and stretch; move around. This can help you bring the experience to a close.
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