Roots of Renewal | 3
Roots of Renewal
Sabbatical Musings by Aimee Postel
Healing
Today I am going to invite you into one of the hardest parts of my sabbatical - that is: healing. Physical wounds are painful and take time to heal, but there is something different about the hurts in our heart, emotional wounds. They leave a mark. They can remain painful long after they are inflicted. Mysteriously, they hold this power in our lives and we have the tendency to want to avoid digging into them or even looking at them because we fear the pain that comes with that.
God has done remarkable healing in my heart in the past. I have known and experienced his tender love and his gentle care. And yet, when the idea of healing was brought up before my sabbatical started, I was not eager or excited about it. I understand how painful it can be to face those wounds and open them up to God. However, because I have experienced His healing before, I trust him. I know that he wants what is good for me. I know that the work he does is good. So, I walked down the healing road with him, again.
In this context, I am not going to disclose the exact nature of my wound. One, I want to protect the guilty :) BUT more importantly, I want to allow you to walk with me on this journey and I believe that specifics could get in the way of that. I find that facing old wounds can be daunting and it can feel very ambiguous. With this particular wound, it felt very overwhelming to face and I didn’t know how to go about pursuing the healing God wanted for me. Maybe you feel the same with wounds in your life and maybe my journey could light the path for you, even if that is just in a small way.
I have already recounted how God drew my attention to the area in my heart that he wanted to bring healing. But I had no idea where to start. This had been a pain in my life that I thought I was just going to live with. God had already been so kind to me in this pain. He showed up, he comforted me and honestly, I thought that was enough.
God had other ideas.
I told God that if he wanted me to dig up and face this pain, that he would have to do the leading because I had no idea how to handle it. I decided that I would not run from what God wanted to do. I had given him this sabbatical and I would do all that he asked, no matter how uncomfortable things got.
The only thing I could think to do and the thing that came to my mind over and over was to have a conversation with Haley. So, a couple of days before my sabbatical started, I sat down in her office. You should know that I am not fond of my emotions, particularly unruly ones and I really hate crying. But I faced them anyway and I told Haley about the wound God had identified to me that he wanted to heal. I couldn’t hold it together. The pain felt overwhelming. I didn’t really want or need her to do anything, but I felt like being willing to tell someone out loud what God wanted me to face was what I needed to do.
And God met me there.
It was like I took the first step and he lit a candle in the midst of the darkness of my emotions. I couldn’t see the way, but I knew he was with me.
Haley prayed over me the 23rd Psalm and that Psalm became a marker for my entire sabbatical.
Psalm 23 (NET)
A psalm of David.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He takes me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water.
He restores my strength. He leads me down the right paths for the sake of his reputation.
Even when I must walk through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff reassure me.
You prepare a feast before me in plain sight of my enemies. You refresh my head with oil; my cup is completely full.
Surely your goodness and faithfulness will pursue me all my days, and I will live in the Lord’s house for the rest of my life.
God promised me that this was a safe time and place for my healing. I looked to him to lead me through… and he did. Each step of the way, he took the lead. He restored me and refreshed me in the kindest ways.
On 8.28.24 I prayed: Jesus, as you direct healing in my heart, help me to be willing and pliable. As you encourage me to open up wounds, I have begun to identify lots of ugly stuff – feelings of rejection and betrayal, pride, unforgiveness, and anger. All of this was previously wrapped up and tucked away and simply labeled as “Pain” or “Hurt”. I am not sure exactly how to proceed. I am trusting you to show the way. Do what you need/want to do, Lord. Help me to be a willing participant.
But the journey was not easy. It was hard, dark and painful. Even though God had healed my heart of other things before, I still felt like I didn’t know the way.
The next thing I felt like God wanted me to do was to invite others in. This was very uncomfortable to me. I really did not want to do it. However, I knew, somehow, that this was not a road I was meant to walk alone. This was not just a “me and God” thing. Again, the only thing I could think to do was text two people close to me and share with them that I felt like God was asking me to face this pain in my past.
And do you know what? My vulnerability, limited though it was, was met with mercy and encouragement. What felt like a risk (inviting people into my pain) ended up to be the path to experiencing God’s mercy and healing.
My people encouraged me to be as open as I could be and to share my thoughts and feelings, even if those thoughts and feelings weren’t very pretty. I didn’t feel like I could have a conversation or speak these things out loud, so I wrote. I didn’t write much and even that was painful, but I started.
On 8.29.24 I journaled: Jesus, I feel empty, spent, tender and somewhat raw. I am not sure what you want me to do with all of that. When I clean up stuff at home, I often feel guilt/shame for not having done it sooner or for not keeping it clean. I think I feel some of that around the healing you want to do – that this should have already been done. I guess I just have to trust in your timing? Haley said this is a “safe time” – maybe it wasn’t before?
But, I don’t want to do this right now. I don’t want to feel these feelings or think these thoughts or experience this doubt. Anger, guilt, shame, fear, betrayal, rejection…….
- Anger at God for bringing this all up again when it hurts so badly
- Anger at myself for not taking care of it sooner
- Anger at myself for knowing some of what I feel is irrational
Opening up to the pain stirred up a lot of emotions in me and I felt like I had jumped into a dark cavern and I didn’t know the way out. I really felt like I wasn’t handling my emotions well.
It was then that I realized that the things we practice when times are good, become a lifeline when times are tough. Our practice becomes reality. The Lord reminded me of his truths in scripture…. and I practiced.
8.30.24
Philippians 4:4–7 (NET)
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice!
Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near!
Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God.
And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
The Lord is near. Go to him with heaviness, worry and fear. He will guard my heart with his peace.
1 Peter 5:6–7 (NET)
And God will exalt you in due time, if you humble yourselves under his mighty hand
by casting all your cares on him because he cares for you.
Humble myself before the Lord by casting my cares on him, because he cares for me
Hebrews 12:1–2 (NET)
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, we must get rid of every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and run with endurance the race set out for us, keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.
Fixing my eyes on Jesus helps me get rid of every weight
Philippians 3:10–11 (NET)
My aim is to know him, to experience the power of his resurrection, to share in his sufferings, and to be like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
I want to know Christ and share in his sufferings. Knowing Christ is connected to sharing in his suffering. Is it possible that through suffering we know and experience Christ in a way we wouldn’t if we didn’t suffer?
Hard things provide an opportunity to put our theoretical knowledge to the test and practice what we know to be true. When we do, we experience that truth.
So here are the things weighing me down:
My own heart. I guess I am afraid of what I will find if I look too closely. I am afraid I won’t know what to do with the things I find. I am afraid I will overlook or miss something. I am afraid I will get complacent and leave something unfinished. I am afraid that my sabbatical will be miserable instead of beautiful.
And then we hiked :)
We had a weekend trip planned to Pictured Rocks with our family and some friends and we hiked into a campsite along the lake shore. It was incredible.
8.31.24
God,
Well, I was wrong. I am not saying these last few days haven’t been hard, but before I opened this journal, I was marveling at the beauty of your creation. I am sitting by the shore of Lake Superior, and it is gorgeous. The sun is shining, the weather is perfect, the lake is varying shades of aqua to blue, there are beautiful, rolling white-cap waves, and I am surrounded by my friends and my family. It couldn’t be more perfect. And yesterday I was worried my sabbatical would be miserable. How short-sighted I am. And oh how gracious you are!
I know I was upset about your timing, but I know you are good. I know you want what is best for me. Have your way in me. Don’t let me leave anything hidden. I am trusting you to lead the way. I will do my best to follow. I still feel in the dark with all this, so I am counting on you to lead. I don’t know the way out.
That morning on the lakeshore was a beautiful moment for me. I had been so stirred up in my emotions but here, in this moment, God showed up and reminded me that there is beauty in the midst of suffering. That he brings hope and healing. It was clear to me that God had led me to this point and that he would continue to guide me.
Later at the silent retreat the speaker said that “God desires that we bring forth the areas we need healing”. That was the invitation that God was giving me. He didn’t show me the whole path to healing, but rather he desired that I unbury the pain that I had hidden away in my heart and hold it out toward him. That I bring it forth for him to see and hand it over to him. So that is what I did. I became willing to look at my wound and I tried to be honest with whatever emotions and thoughts surfaced. I would share them the best that I could with my safe people and surrender it to Jesus.
I prayed, did some journaling, and texted. Eventually, I was able to have a conversation. It was the first time that I ever told that story to someone else. I was as real, honest and vulnerable as I could be. That conversation was the culmination of much healing that had already taken place. As I reflect back, what seemed overwhelming, dark, disorienting and unapproachable became really simple. So much healing took place simply by exposing to the love of Jesus what I had previously tried to tuck out of view and keep in a box labeled “pain”.
God, in his gentle ways, encouraged me that there could be healing for that pain, that I wasn’t intended to carry what he has already paid for on the cross and that he would lead me, if I was willing to follow. And he did lead.
9.21.24
Psalm 23:1-3
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He takes me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water.
He restores my soul.
“I lack nothing” Why? because all that I am and all that I have comes from you. If I truly need something, you supply it.
“He leads me to refreshing water” Right now I am sitting on the shore of a beautiful lake. The water is beautiful and refreshing but not only the water. Your leading has been beautiful. You have brought me, led me, to a place of healing and refreshing. I have been whiny about it but I am grateful.
“He restores my soul” I feel like you have intended to restore my soul. I didn’t realize that my soul had so many tears in it. But you knew and you led me to a place and a time where you could make those repairs. You restore me.
10.29.24
Psalm 36:7a
“How precious is your loyal love, O God!”
I would be lost without you - broken, selfish, prideful, critical. I would be disoriented, wandering and hurting. But you God, you see me. You have pulled me up, you have set me on right paths, you have brought healing to my heart. You have filled my life with beauty. How good it is to be loved by you.
You are more than worthy of my all. Have your way in me, in my life. You are my director, my leader, my shepherd.
So that is the summary of my healing journey during my sabbatical. Much of it was facing the fear of even looking at the pain. Then wading through the painful and ugly thoughts and emotions that came with opening that wound again. For me, the key piece was being willing to be honest and vulnerable with a few safe friends. And the foundation was trusting that God would truly and gently lead me through each step he wanted me to take. And he was and he did.
My friends, I believe he will do the same for you. Will you allow him into the dark places in your heart?
God has done remarkable healing in my heart in the past. I have known and experienced his tender love and his gentle care. And yet, when the idea of healing was brought up before my sabbatical started, I was not eager or excited about it. I understand how painful it can be to face those wounds and open them up to God. However, because I have experienced His healing before, I trust him. I know that he wants what is good for me. I know that the work he does is good. So, I walked down the healing road with him, again.
In this context, I am not going to disclose the exact nature of my wound. One, I want to protect the guilty :) BUT more importantly, I want to allow you to walk with me on this journey and I believe that specifics could get in the way of that. I find that facing old wounds can be daunting and it can feel very ambiguous. With this particular wound, it felt very overwhelming to face and I didn’t know how to go about pursuing the healing God wanted for me. Maybe you feel the same with wounds in your life and maybe my journey could light the path for you, even if that is just in a small way.
I have already recounted how God drew my attention to the area in my heart that he wanted to bring healing. But I had no idea where to start. This had been a pain in my life that I thought I was just going to live with. God had already been so kind to me in this pain. He showed up, he comforted me and honestly, I thought that was enough.
God had other ideas.
I told God that if he wanted me to dig up and face this pain, that he would have to do the leading because I had no idea how to handle it. I decided that I would not run from what God wanted to do. I had given him this sabbatical and I would do all that he asked, no matter how uncomfortable things got.
The only thing I could think to do and the thing that came to my mind over and over was to have a conversation with Haley. So, a couple of days before my sabbatical started, I sat down in her office. You should know that I am not fond of my emotions, particularly unruly ones and I really hate crying. But I faced them anyway and I told Haley about the wound God had identified to me that he wanted to heal. I couldn’t hold it together. The pain felt overwhelming. I didn’t really want or need her to do anything, but I felt like being willing to tell someone out loud what God wanted me to face was what I needed to do.
And God met me there.
It was like I took the first step and he lit a candle in the midst of the darkness of my emotions. I couldn’t see the way, but I knew he was with me.
Haley prayed over me the 23rd Psalm and that Psalm became a marker for my entire sabbatical.
Psalm 23 (NET)
A psalm of David.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He takes me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water.
He restores my strength. He leads me down the right paths for the sake of his reputation.
Even when I must walk through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff reassure me.
You prepare a feast before me in plain sight of my enemies. You refresh my head with oil; my cup is completely full.
Surely your goodness and faithfulness will pursue me all my days, and I will live in the Lord’s house for the rest of my life.
God promised me that this was a safe time and place for my healing. I looked to him to lead me through… and he did. Each step of the way, he took the lead. He restored me and refreshed me in the kindest ways.
On 8.28.24 I prayed: Jesus, as you direct healing in my heart, help me to be willing and pliable. As you encourage me to open up wounds, I have begun to identify lots of ugly stuff – feelings of rejection and betrayal, pride, unforgiveness, and anger. All of this was previously wrapped up and tucked away and simply labeled as “Pain” or “Hurt”. I am not sure exactly how to proceed. I am trusting you to show the way. Do what you need/want to do, Lord. Help me to be a willing participant.
But the journey was not easy. It was hard, dark and painful. Even though God had healed my heart of other things before, I still felt like I didn’t know the way.
The next thing I felt like God wanted me to do was to invite others in. This was very uncomfortable to me. I really did not want to do it. However, I knew, somehow, that this was not a road I was meant to walk alone. This was not just a “me and God” thing. Again, the only thing I could think to do was text two people close to me and share with them that I felt like God was asking me to face this pain in my past.
And do you know what? My vulnerability, limited though it was, was met with mercy and encouragement. What felt like a risk (inviting people into my pain) ended up to be the path to experiencing God’s mercy and healing.
My people encouraged me to be as open as I could be and to share my thoughts and feelings, even if those thoughts and feelings weren’t very pretty. I didn’t feel like I could have a conversation or speak these things out loud, so I wrote. I didn’t write much and even that was painful, but I started.
On 8.29.24 I journaled: Jesus, I feel empty, spent, tender and somewhat raw. I am not sure what you want me to do with all of that. When I clean up stuff at home, I often feel guilt/shame for not having done it sooner or for not keeping it clean. I think I feel some of that around the healing you want to do – that this should have already been done. I guess I just have to trust in your timing? Haley said this is a “safe time” – maybe it wasn’t before?
But, I don’t want to do this right now. I don’t want to feel these feelings or think these thoughts or experience this doubt. Anger, guilt, shame, fear, betrayal, rejection…….
- Anger at God for bringing this all up again when it hurts so badly
- Anger at myself for not taking care of it sooner
- Anger at myself for knowing some of what I feel is irrational
Opening up to the pain stirred up a lot of emotions in me and I felt like I had jumped into a dark cavern and I didn’t know the way out. I really felt like I wasn’t handling my emotions well.
It was then that I realized that the things we practice when times are good, become a lifeline when times are tough. Our practice becomes reality. The Lord reminded me of his truths in scripture…. and I practiced.
8.30.24
Philippians 4:4–7 (NET)
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice!
Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near!
Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God.
And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
The Lord is near. Go to him with heaviness, worry and fear. He will guard my heart with his peace.
1 Peter 5:6–7 (NET)
And God will exalt you in due time, if you humble yourselves under his mighty hand
by casting all your cares on him because he cares for you.
Humble myself before the Lord by casting my cares on him, because he cares for me
Hebrews 12:1–2 (NET)
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, we must get rid of every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and run with endurance the race set out for us, keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.
Fixing my eyes on Jesus helps me get rid of every weight
Philippians 3:10–11 (NET)
My aim is to know him, to experience the power of his resurrection, to share in his sufferings, and to be like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
I want to know Christ and share in his sufferings. Knowing Christ is connected to sharing in his suffering. Is it possible that through suffering we know and experience Christ in a way we wouldn’t if we didn’t suffer?
Hard things provide an opportunity to put our theoretical knowledge to the test and practice what we know to be true. When we do, we experience that truth.
So here are the things weighing me down:
My own heart. I guess I am afraid of what I will find if I look too closely. I am afraid I won’t know what to do with the things I find. I am afraid I will overlook or miss something. I am afraid I will get complacent and leave something unfinished. I am afraid that my sabbatical will be miserable instead of beautiful.
And then we hiked :)
We had a weekend trip planned to Pictured Rocks with our family and some friends and we hiked into a campsite along the lake shore. It was incredible.
8.31.24
God,
Well, I was wrong. I am not saying these last few days haven’t been hard, but before I opened this journal, I was marveling at the beauty of your creation. I am sitting by the shore of Lake Superior, and it is gorgeous. The sun is shining, the weather is perfect, the lake is varying shades of aqua to blue, there are beautiful, rolling white-cap waves, and I am surrounded by my friends and my family. It couldn’t be more perfect. And yesterday I was worried my sabbatical would be miserable. How short-sighted I am. And oh how gracious you are!
I know I was upset about your timing, but I know you are good. I know you want what is best for me. Have your way in me. Don’t let me leave anything hidden. I am trusting you to lead the way. I will do my best to follow. I still feel in the dark with all this, so I am counting on you to lead. I don’t know the way out.
That morning on the lakeshore was a beautiful moment for me. I had been so stirred up in my emotions but here, in this moment, God showed up and reminded me that there is beauty in the midst of suffering. That he brings hope and healing. It was clear to me that God had led me to this point and that he would continue to guide me.
Later at the silent retreat the speaker said that “God desires that we bring forth the areas we need healing”. That was the invitation that God was giving me. He didn’t show me the whole path to healing, but rather he desired that I unbury the pain that I had hidden away in my heart and hold it out toward him. That I bring it forth for him to see and hand it over to him. So that is what I did. I became willing to look at my wound and I tried to be honest with whatever emotions and thoughts surfaced. I would share them the best that I could with my safe people and surrender it to Jesus.
I prayed, did some journaling, and texted. Eventually, I was able to have a conversation. It was the first time that I ever told that story to someone else. I was as real, honest and vulnerable as I could be. That conversation was the culmination of much healing that had already taken place. As I reflect back, what seemed overwhelming, dark, disorienting and unapproachable became really simple. So much healing took place simply by exposing to the love of Jesus what I had previously tried to tuck out of view and keep in a box labeled “pain”.
God, in his gentle ways, encouraged me that there could be healing for that pain, that I wasn’t intended to carry what he has already paid for on the cross and that he would lead me, if I was willing to follow. And he did lead.
9.21.24
Psalm 23:1-3
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He takes me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water.
He restores my soul.
“I lack nothing” Why? because all that I am and all that I have comes from you. If I truly need something, you supply it.
“He leads me to refreshing water” Right now I am sitting on the shore of a beautiful lake. The water is beautiful and refreshing but not only the water. Your leading has been beautiful. You have brought me, led me, to a place of healing and refreshing. I have been whiny about it but I am grateful.
“He restores my soul” I feel like you have intended to restore my soul. I didn’t realize that my soul had so many tears in it. But you knew and you led me to a place and a time where you could make those repairs. You restore me.
10.29.24
Psalm 36:7a
“How precious is your loyal love, O God!”
I would be lost without you - broken, selfish, prideful, critical. I would be disoriented, wandering and hurting. But you God, you see me. You have pulled me up, you have set me on right paths, you have brought healing to my heart. You have filled my life with beauty. How good it is to be loved by you.
You are more than worthy of my all. Have your way in me, in my life. You are my director, my leader, my shepherd.
So that is the summary of my healing journey during my sabbatical. Much of it was facing the fear of even looking at the pain. Then wading through the painful and ugly thoughts and emotions that came with opening that wound again. For me, the key piece was being willing to be honest and vulnerable with a few safe friends. And the foundation was trusting that God would truly and gently lead me through each step he wanted me to take. And he was and he did.
My friends, I believe he will do the same for you. Will you allow him into the dark places in your heart?
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