Roots of Renewal | 5
Roots of Renewal
Sabbatical Musings by Aimee Postel
Identity
We all have tendencies or mechanisms that we use to cope with childhood hardships or perceptions. Mine is perfectionism. My young self figured that if I did everything right and well then I could avoid blame and criticism. If I worked hard enough and was good enough, then I would be acceptable and loved. The problem with these mechanisms is that, to some degree, they work. And because they work, we believe that they are true. Then we begin to live our lives under their direction, instead of living in freedom.
I’m not sure what your mechanism or lie is. Maybe it is:
Regardless of our individual mechanism, we all have traps that trip us up as we walk through life. Maybe you recognize yours or maybe you don’t, but the truth is, we have all picked up some lies along the paths of our lives.
I have long known that I have tendency toward believing that perfection is the way to earn grace (or better yet, to not need it at all…). In college and seminary, I strived for perfect grades. In my work, I want to do a great job. In my relationships, I want to be an excellent friend, mother, wife, co-worker, etc. You get the picture.
This may all sound fine, but in real life it is a heavy load to bear. “Good enough” is hard for me to settle for.
But I had been making progress. Jesus has spoken into this particular part of my heart many times. He has assured me that I am valuable, not for how well I do, but for who I am. I have experienced his love and I realize that it is something I could never earn. He has called me his beloved and it is so meaningful to me that I had it tattooed on my arm. I KNOW that my identity, value and worth rests in him and him alone.
Or at least I thought I knew.
I didn’t realize that I was carrying a heavy load again. I didn’t realize that I was trying so hard to be good enough, to be as close to perfect as possible. I didn’t realize that I thought that the outcome of it all rested on me.
When you are carrying too much weight, even a small thing can make you stumble. A conversation with a friend who points out a failure. A realization that you regularly interrupt your spouse. A deferral that feels like a rejection.
These things sent me into a spiral. I felt like a failure; That I was just a pile-up of mistakes. I felt like I never had been nor could I ever be good enough.
Perhaps the worst part was knowing that I was making a mistake by even thinking that I shouldn’t make mistakes! I knew that I was misplacing my identity in my performance instead of God, but I couldn’t shake the discouragement. I tried, but I couldn’t think my way out.
“Because God is present, always and everywhere, this means everything we experience is an opportunity to deepen our relationship with him, the comfortable and the uncomfortable, the good and the bad.”
- An Ignatian principle
9.15.24
Jesus, this is tough. I am not sure that I am loving this whole sabbatical thing. I feel like a complete mess.
“Just as Christ is Christ only in suffering so we are only disciples under the cross”
– Bonhoeffer
I was really struggling. As I have said, I am not a big fan of messy emotions. I like to deal with things rationally. And yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being a mess-up; of being little, to no worth because of all the mistakes in my life. There was a battle in my mind and emotions as I struggled to align my heart with what I knew to be true from God.
9.16.24
Jesus, I have to trust your work. Your love is what I need most in my life and I already have that. I don’t know exactly what you are doing or how you are doing it, but have your way. Jesus thank you for beautiful islands, beautiful lakes and beautiful people. I am grateful. I love you.
9.17.2024
“Though I am hemmed in, you will lead me into a wide open place.” Psalm 4:1b
Jesus, I have felt hemmed in emotionally. You have led me to a beautiful wide-open space physically. I trust you to do that for me emotionally also.
And then the load became too much to carry. I felt “hemmed in” on every side. My thoughts, doubts and insecurities plagued me.
I broke down and cried with a friend. Thankfully, this friend had the wisdom to not give platitudes or lame advice. Instead, they invited me to take it all to Jesus. While this seems like the obvious answer, in that moment, I needed someone to remind me that God wants to hear my struggles.
(Side note: Get yourself some good friends. Invest in others. Spend time on relationships. It is crucial that we encourage and support each other as we pursue Jesus. We are not meant to walk alone.)
So, I excused myself from the evening activities and found a place to be alone with God.
9.18.2024
Jesus, I feel miserable. I know I said this sabbatical would be an offering to you, but I feel like I am the one being sacrificed. That is probably what you want, I just didn’t expect it would hurt so much. I don’t ever recall being angry with you before and I really don’t like it. I am so sorry. I don’t want to be angry. I hate all of these feelings. I feel angry, inadequate, and like I just can’t get it right no matter how hard I try. I feel like fretting over making mistakes is a mistake. Not trusting you enough is a mistake. Not giving over my burdens is a mistake. I just can’t get it right. I don’t honor William enough. I put down his opinion and interrupt him. I wonder how much I have hurt or stunted his growth as a person. I see Micah struggling with his emotions and I wonder how I have wounded him or how often I have discredited his emotions and I worry that I may not have enough time to make up for all the damage I have probably done. And I wonder how I have messed up with the other kids; how many times I have been too harsh with them, not fully listened to them or given them too little attention.
And then I wonder how two relatively small incidents could have knocked me so far off balance and how I could have let myself spiral like this to the point where I don’t even want to be me anymore because this “me” just keeps making mistakes and messing things up. And yet, even the spiral is a mistake - a misplacement of my trust - in myself instead of you; a mistake in believing that my identity is in what I do instead of in you. Everything feels like a mistake right now and those mistakes are messing up or overshadowing even the parts of my life that I haven’t managed to mess up yet.
And even in expressing this, I feel guilty for being dramatic and for believing things that are so obviously ridiculous. It just feels like too much. I don’t know why you love someone like me. I guess you have to. That is just the way you are; that’s just your nature.
But I have cost you so much! I have caused you so much pain.
And there is the heart of the issue. I need your help to believe it.
But why now? I feel somewhat like a project you are trying to fix or more like a dying sacrifice than a living one.
I am sorry for doubting you. Help me to trust you more. I am so tired. I don’t know if I can be a better wife, mom, friend, pastor, etc. I don’t even know if I can be a decent one. I am worried that I will fail, that my mistakes will outweigh any positive that I manage to do. These things, these relationships are so important to me. How do I get them all right?
Okay, I will trust you to keep the other plates spinning then. I will keep showing up and let you do the work. I know you know that I have doubts about my ability to even stay in relationship with you, so I am trusting that you are far more faithful than me.
Jesus, I am grateful for you. Thank you for listening even though I am like a three-year-old throwing a fit - angry and self-absorbed. I am grateful for your kindness and I do not deserve your goodness.
That evening, Jesus extracted something from my heart - the mistaken notion that it all depends on me - and he re-ordered my priorities, again. In order to do that, he had allowed my heart to be opened up in order to reveal that lie. That was very unfun. It was unpleasant and it hurt - a lot. Yet, he cares so much for me that he was not content to let me live out of that lie.
9.20.25
Well, Lord, here I am.
I am not feeling so angry and lost/stuck. I am thankful for you showing me the way out. Thank you for reminding me that you are the most important relationship in my life and it is you who sustains me; it is you who is the life of everything I do. I will give you all of my “plates”, all of my priorities and values. Jesus, I trust that your opinion of me is better than my own. I will trust that you can work through even my weaknesses and mistakes.
This experience was one of the hardest parts of my sabbatical. And yet, I wouldn’t take it back. If I had it to do over, I would again allow God to have full access to me and allow him to extract whatever he wanted out of my heart, no matter how painful.
In the end, I feel incredibly loved that God would care enough for me to walk with me to remove lies and help me walk in the freedom of his identity for me.
10.6.24
God,
How good you have been to me! You have taught, led, and guided me. You have treated me with such kindness and gentleness, yet you have been persistent. You have not allowed me to sit in brokenness or lies. I want to know you. Help me to keep my focus on you. Oh, Jesus, bind my wandering heart to you. I want to desire you more than anything else. Mold and shape my heart into something that pleases you.
10.10.24
Jesus, how grateful I am for your love! Thank you for your persistent pursuit of me. Thank you for your beautiful assurance.
I am thankful.
Regardless of your coping mechanisms, lies or misplaced identity, God desires to walk with you into greater healing and freedom. He wants to show you his love for you.
Will you give him that opportunity?
I’m not sure what your mechanism or lie is. Maybe it is:
- “I have to be strong - vulnerability is weakness.”
- “I want to make sure others feel loved so that maybe I will get some love in return.”
- “I am not important, so it is best if I stay out of the way.”
- “The world is not safe, so I must protect myself.”
- “The way I make myself valuable is through productivity and efficiency.”
- “Life is meant to be fun, so I will avoid negativity at all costs.”
Regardless of our individual mechanism, we all have traps that trip us up as we walk through life. Maybe you recognize yours or maybe you don’t, but the truth is, we have all picked up some lies along the paths of our lives.
I have long known that I have tendency toward believing that perfection is the way to earn grace (or better yet, to not need it at all…). In college and seminary, I strived for perfect grades. In my work, I want to do a great job. In my relationships, I want to be an excellent friend, mother, wife, co-worker, etc. You get the picture.
This may all sound fine, but in real life it is a heavy load to bear. “Good enough” is hard for me to settle for.
But I had been making progress. Jesus has spoken into this particular part of my heart many times. He has assured me that I am valuable, not for how well I do, but for who I am. I have experienced his love and I realize that it is something I could never earn. He has called me his beloved and it is so meaningful to me that I had it tattooed on my arm. I KNOW that my identity, value and worth rests in him and him alone.
Or at least I thought I knew.
I didn’t realize that I was carrying a heavy load again. I didn’t realize that I was trying so hard to be good enough, to be as close to perfect as possible. I didn’t realize that I thought that the outcome of it all rested on me.
When you are carrying too much weight, even a small thing can make you stumble. A conversation with a friend who points out a failure. A realization that you regularly interrupt your spouse. A deferral that feels like a rejection.
These things sent me into a spiral. I felt like a failure; That I was just a pile-up of mistakes. I felt like I never had been nor could I ever be good enough.
Perhaps the worst part was knowing that I was making a mistake by even thinking that I shouldn’t make mistakes! I knew that I was misplacing my identity in my performance instead of God, but I couldn’t shake the discouragement. I tried, but I couldn’t think my way out.
“Because God is present, always and everywhere, this means everything we experience is an opportunity to deepen our relationship with him, the comfortable and the uncomfortable, the good and the bad.”
- An Ignatian principle
9.15.24
Jesus, this is tough. I am not sure that I am loving this whole sabbatical thing. I feel like a complete mess.
“Just as Christ is Christ only in suffering so we are only disciples under the cross”
– Bonhoeffer
I was really struggling. As I have said, I am not a big fan of messy emotions. I like to deal with things rationally. And yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being a mess-up; of being little, to no worth because of all the mistakes in my life. There was a battle in my mind and emotions as I struggled to align my heart with what I knew to be true from God.
9.16.24
Jesus, I have to trust your work. Your love is what I need most in my life and I already have that. I don’t know exactly what you are doing or how you are doing it, but have your way. Jesus thank you for beautiful islands, beautiful lakes and beautiful people. I am grateful. I love you.
9.17.2024
“Though I am hemmed in, you will lead me into a wide open place.” Psalm 4:1b
Jesus, I have felt hemmed in emotionally. You have led me to a beautiful wide-open space physically. I trust you to do that for me emotionally also.
And then the load became too much to carry. I felt “hemmed in” on every side. My thoughts, doubts and insecurities plagued me.
I broke down and cried with a friend. Thankfully, this friend had the wisdom to not give platitudes or lame advice. Instead, they invited me to take it all to Jesus. While this seems like the obvious answer, in that moment, I needed someone to remind me that God wants to hear my struggles.
(Side note: Get yourself some good friends. Invest in others. Spend time on relationships. It is crucial that we encourage and support each other as we pursue Jesus. We are not meant to walk alone.)
So, I excused myself from the evening activities and found a place to be alone with God.
9.18.2024
Jesus, I feel miserable. I know I said this sabbatical would be an offering to you, but I feel like I am the one being sacrificed. That is probably what you want, I just didn’t expect it would hurt so much. I don’t ever recall being angry with you before and I really don’t like it. I am so sorry. I don’t want to be angry. I hate all of these feelings. I feel angry, inadequate, and like I just can’t get it right no matter how hard I try. I feel like fretting over making mistakes is a mistake. Not trusting you enough is a mistake. Not giving over my burdens is a mistake. I just can’t get it right. I don’t honor William enough. I put down his opinion and interrupt him. I wonder how much I have hurt or stunted his growth as a person. I see Micah struggling with his emotions and I wonder how I have wounded him or how often I have discredited his emotions and I worry that I may not have enough time to make up for all the damage I have probably done. And I wonder how I have messed up with the other kids; how many times I have been too harsh with them, not fully listened to them or given them too little attention.
And then I wonder how two relatively small incidents could have knocked me so far off balance and how I could have let myself spiral like this to the point where I don’t even want to be me anymore because this “me” just keeps making mistakes and messing things up. And yet, even the spiral is a mistake - a misplacement of my trust - in myself instead of you; a mistake in believing that my identity is in what I do instead of in you. Everything feels like a mistake right now and those mistakes are messing up or overshadowing even the parts of my life that I haven’t managed to mess up yet.
And even in expressing this, I feel guilty for being dramatic and for believing things that are so obviously ridiculous. It just feels like too much. I don’t know why you love someone like me. I guess you have to. That is just the way you are; that’s just your nature.
- “Aimee, I chose you. And I would choose you again. I’ve paid for your mistakes.”
But I have cost you so much! I have caused you so much pain.
- “You are worth it.”
And there is the heart of the issue. I need your help to believe it.
But why now? I feel somewhat like a project you are trying to fix or more like a dying sacrifice than a living one.
- “Aimee, I have more of your attention. I want to bring these things up when you are walking closely with me so that I can carry them. I have brought you to a safe, wide-open space.”
I am sorry for doubting you. Help me to trust you more. I am so tired. I don’t know if I can be a better wife, mom, friend, pastor, etc. I don’t even know if I can be a decent one. I am worried that I will fail, that my mistakes will outweigh any positive that I manage to do. These things, these relationships are so important to me. How do I get them all right?
- “Follow me. Keep your eyes on me. I will make you into a person who does the rest well.”
- A picture of me trying to keep a dozen plates spinning on poles in the air. I realize that it is impossible. Some will drop eventually or I will burn out. But the plates represent things that are incredibly important to me. I cannot or will not set down any of them, nor could I stand letting them drop. Then God comes in and asks me to give him the plates. He offers to spin them for me and keep the whole pyramid of them going as he directs and with his power, if I allow him and if I take direction from him. Essentially, the only plate I have left is showing up to my relationship with God. Every other spinning plate flows from that.
Okay, I will trust you to keep the other plates spinning then. I will keep showing up and let you do the work. I know you know that I have doubts about my ability to even stay in relationship with you, so I am trusting that you are far more faithful than me.
Jesus, I am grateful for you. Thank you for listening even though I am like a three-year-old throwing a fit - angry and self-absorbed. I am grateful for your kindness and I do not deserve your goodness.
That evening, Jesus extracted something from my heart - the mistaken notion that it all depends on me - and he re-ordered my priorities, again. In order to do that, he had allowed my heart to be opened up in order to reveal that lie. That was very unfun. It was unpleasant and it hurt - a lot. Yet, he cares so much for me that he was not content to let me live out of that lie.
9.20.25
Well, Lord, here I am.
I am not feeling so angry and lost/stuck. I am thankful for you showing me the way out. Thank you for reminding me that you are the most important relationship in my life and it is you who sustains me; it is you who is the life of everything I do. I will give you all of my “plates”, all of my priorities and values. Jesus, I trust that your opinion of me is better than my own. I will trust that you can work through even my weaknesses and mistakes.
This experience was one of the hardest parts of my sabbatical. And yet, I wouldn’t take it back. If I had it to do over, I would again allow God to have full access to me and allow him to extract whatever he wanted out of my heart, no matter how painful.
In the end, I feel incredibly loved that God would care enough for me to walk with me to remove lies and help me walk in the freedom of his identity for me.
10.6.24
God,
How good you have been to me! You have taught, led, and guided me. You have treated me with such kindness and gentleness, yet you have been persistent. You have not allowed me to sit in brokenness or lies. I want to know you. Help me to keep my focus on you. Oh, Jesus, bind my wandering heart to you. I want to desire you more than anything else. Mold and shape my heart into something that pleases you.
10.10.24
Jesus, how grateful I am for your love! Thank you for your persistent pursuit of me. Thank you for your beautiful assurance.
I am thankful.
Regardless of your coping mechanisms, lies or misplaced identity, God desires to walk with you into greater healing and freedom. He wants to show you his love for you.
Will you give him that opportunity?
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